You've probably heard the line — "you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with." I used to think it was a soft idea. After the past three years, I think it's closer to a warning label.
This isn't a rant. It's a case study. About what happens when you confuse "moving together" with "standing next to each other."
Background
When the war started in 2022, my wife, my friend, and I left Russia together and moved to Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan. Not as activists — we just didn't want to fund Putin's war via taxes, and we didn't want to get drafted. We had been planning to leave anyway. The war just moved the timeline forward.
The three of us rented a big apartment together because my friend couldn't afford his own place at the time. I didn't think much of it. We'd been friends for 25+ years.
The setup
I asked one of my freelance clients — a clinic in Mexico — if they could also hire my friend, who's also a developer. They said yes, no questions asked.
To be clear about what he was getting:
- $500/month for a simple mobile app
- Help from me and my wife — freelancing basics, tools, mindset, skills
- A shared apartment that was supposed to last 6 months and turned into 2 years
- Some of my own client leads, with me personally vouching that he'd be "as good as me, just cheaper for now"
That's a strong starting point. When I started freelancing, I had 15 million rubles in debt, 900 rubles in my pocket, and zero idea what I was doing. He was starting from a much better position than I ever did.
The handover
About a year and a half in, I burned out hard and decided to take a year off from that same client. Before stepping away, I trained him properly. I gave him full documentation — systems, servers, setups, everything. I told the client: "Pay him my rate. Nothing changes for you. If you need anything, ping me."
The new deal was good for him:
- $1,500/month, up from $500
- A stable system — he just had to maintain and improve it
- Maybe two hours of real work per day
- Me on standby for any technical questions
- All the remaining time to find more clients, build a personal brand, level up his skills, do anything
This is the part that still bothers me. Because forty hours a month of freed-up time, with a stable income covering rent and food — that's the dream setup for an indie dev who wants to grow.
The fallout
A year later, the client fired him.
They were blunt: he had been useless for the entire year. They had been paying $1,500/month for almost nothing. They came back to me to clean up the mess.
He hadn't been working two hours a day. He'd been writing buzzword-heavy "reports" that described nothing real. He hadn't shipped meaningful improvements. He had even broken things.
I'm now fixing the technical debt he left behind.
The part I keep coming back to
I knew. That's the worst part.
Around the eighteen-month mark, I could clearly see my own trajectory — new projects, new skills, new clients, growing income. And I could clearly see his — flat. No new clients ("it's not working out"), no side projects, no real attempts at anything. Just enough effort to keep the existing client happy. Sometimes not even that.
I saw it. And I kept waiting.
Every time I thought "maybe I should just move on," there was a counter-voice:
Maybe he'll finally step up. It's easier to move forward with someone than alone. Maybe I'm just being impatient. We've been friends since we were seven.
So I waited a month. Then another. Then another year.
I wasn't being a good friend. I was avoiding a hard conversation by calling it loyalty.
The red flags I ignored
Looking back, the signals were all there from month one. I just didn't want to see them:
- He told me he "couldn't find clients" — but he wasn't actually looking. No outreach, no portfolio updates, no Fiverr/Upwork experiments, nothing.
- He never tried to build anything of his own. No side project, no small tool, no experiment. Not once in three years.
- The $1,500/month became a comfort zone almost immediately. "They pay me for almost nothing and I'm fine with it" — that was the actual mindset.
- When I shared what I was building or learning, he wasn't curious. Not even mildly. That should have told me everything.
None of these are character flaws on their own. Together, they're a clear signal: this person isn't trying to move. They've already arrived where they wanted to be.
What I do differently now
After three years of this, a few rules:
- No shared apartments with other freelancers. Ever. Mixing housing with professional dependency is a slow-motion disaster.
- No more passing clients to friends. If someone wants client work, they can find their own. I'll give advice, not infrastructure.
- Help is time-boxed. I'll mentor, share leads, answer questions for a defined period. Open-ended help becomes someone's permanent furniture.
- I check skin in the game before investing in someone. Has this person ever shipped anything for themselves? Tried, failed, tried again? If the answer is no, I'm not the one who can make them start.
- I trust the eighteen-month mark. If I see no movement after a year and a half of real opportunity, there won't be any.
Update
He went back to Russia. Got a job at a state bank — which, given everything, means indirectly supporting the war he originally left to avoid. He told me he's looking for any junior remote position to get out again.
I tried one more time. I sent a recruiter his way — someone who could have placed him with an EU company. He missed the interview call. "Couldn't make it."
That was the end for me. We barely talk now.
I don't wish him harm. I hope he's safe. But I'm not in the business of saving people who keep choosing the chair.
The takeaway
Even if it's your childhood friend — someone you've known since you were seven — don't assume they want what you want. Ask them. Watch what they do, not what they say. Watch what they do when no one's watching.
If they want comfort and you want movement, you're not on the same trip. You're just sitting in the same room.
The hardest part isn't realizing it. The hardest part is admitting you saw it eighteen months ago and chose to wait anyway.